Did I Miss the Memo?
Prior to the events of my previous post I was in the process of venting about what was turning out to be somewhat of a phenomenon taking place in my life. In the course of six months (although I found out within the time frame of 7days) twelve different friends of mine (close, as well as associates) have either gotten engaged, or married. TWELVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!!
This completely shocked and disturbed me, not that i’m “against” marriage or the joining of man and woman or anything, i hope to get married myself one day. But the fact that at 25 (i’m 26 now, but at the time of the phenomena i was 25) more then half of the people I associate with are on or that path, or getting ready to blaze the path of DINK (not enough of you all are DEWK for statistical representation) and most being within 4yrs of my age range is hard for me to accept all in one sitting.
So I seriously start to think perhaps i’ve missed some brief, memo, ABP, or maybe just maybe I haven’t had the time to sit back and realize i’m not in that “position” in my life where I thought i would be oh some 8-9yrs ago……..Ok, so I had to kill that thought real quick. I’m not in a race here. There’s no measure of “who gets there first”, or me trying to keep up with anyone. However it’s easy to get caught up in those thoughts when you get bombarded with the reality of people….I guess….moving on, it makes you think crazy things.
Being completely honest with myself, I am for all intensive purposes in “that position” to get married if I so choose to. According to the measures by which society would hold me to i’ve already pre-qualified for marriage. I have the house, the car, a career, capitol (well…not so much now), etc…However I believe that you have to be in a different frame of mind in order to open your life up and share it with someone…..FOREVER that is.
Marriage should be:
- Holding the value of your mate’s thoughts and interests at a level equal to your own, even if you don’t share them
- Having a commitment…a long term commitment encompasses all of our attitudes of respect for marriage covenants, including relationship skills to deal with whatever challenge
- Displaying integrity…..integrity is the force behind the commitment that gives it lasting value. Without honor, vows become meaningless. That’s probably why the divorce rate is so high.
There are a great many other things that make up what a marriage should be, to discuss that would make this very long and somewhat preachy post, so hopefully you get the gist of what i’m saying. I do know that when it’s my time i’ll be calling the rest of you single folks, broadcasting my marital status, and sending you all of my information for where me and the future Mrs. are registered. But for now I guess i’l ljust have to get ready for all of those ceremonies and receptions…I suppose i’ll have to buy a few gifts for yall too, eh?
B.Price
September 24th, 2008 at 12:36 am
You didn’t miss any memo. I wouldn’t be so concerned about getting married. You are still young and have plenty of time. You are right, both people need to be ready to step into that big of a commitment. Sadly, that is not always the case.
September 25th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Yeah, when I send you the notice (because i’m not inviting you to the wedding), I’m expecting a big gift
You didn’t miss the memo. People get married because they think they’re in love or they’re getting older or for financial benefit. A lot of times they don’t think about what they’re saying when they say their vows, they’re just repeating what they’re being told to say. People pay more attention when negotiating for a car than when they’re promising to love someone for the rest of their lives regardless of what happens. That could be another 60 years of picking up this man’s socks off the floor!
The divorce rate is so high because (IMO) because people are selfish. Perhaps they don’t mean to be but when you’re married, you have to be willing to take a back seat to yourself. If all your life, you’ve been about ME ME ME, how are you supposed to have a successful marriage? I believe also that if you have someone that loves you past all your garbage, you might need to stop looking for greener grass. I think probably the best example of marital selflessness is Dana Reeve. Even after her husband couldn’t do much more than blink, she stayed with him and took care of him and loved him until then end. Now suppose Christopher had married “Krissy” instead. He would have been in a nursing home with weekly visits and some phone calls. Out of the 12 of your friends getting married, I can almost promise you that 11 of them won’t survive the first 5 years. Somebody will say, “this isn’t what i signed up for” but what they don’t realize is that when you get married, you’re signing up for ALL of it.
So I say all of that to say, B. Price, is that you got the memo. Your friends, probably didn’t. Regardless, I wish all of them well.
September 25th, 2008 at 9:11 am
Oh yeah, loving someone because of some trait that will fade or go away is no reason to get married.
You love someone’s smile…what if they lose their teeth
You love someone’s legs…what if they have to be amputated
Someone has a pretty face…people get old and wrinkled
Someone has great hair…chemo will take that right out.
If you fall in love it needs to be for permanent characteristics and not something that will erode with time.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
I know that when I was younger, I use to tell myself that I was going to be married by the time I was 22 and have a kid by 24. I think to myself, what was I thinking. Being that I’m 24 now, I’m definitely not ready for a kid or getting married. I know that when I get married it will be because he’s the “one.” I don’t necessarily believe in divorce, I see that as the easy way out of a troubled marriage. The reason for marrying someone is because you are committed to spending the rest of your life with that person.
Back when I was 22, I had two close friends marry at 22. I thought to myself, I couldn’t do that, my gosh, at 22, I feel like your life is just starting. I mean you just graduated college and are beginning your career and adult life. Both of these friends started to date their now husbands when they were in high school. I personally think they married too young. If I were in their shoes, I would have waited a couple more years until I got married.
It’s scary to see that many couples nowadays are only married for a couple of years and then divorcing. I don’t see marriage as a “spur of the moment” thing but rather as a long-lasting commitment with your significant other. As I said before, I’m 24 and I tell myself what’s the hurry, so what if my friends around me are getting married now, I’m truly happy for them, but I know that my time might not be right at this moment, but it will come eventually and when it does it will be the right time for me.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
@Idalisa: I get what you’re saying and all in all i’m not really “worried” about it, nor am I in any rush per se……Still I think i’m getting to that point where I don’t want or desire to play that relationship game like i use to. After a while and many hands delt it gets old and you a ready for more. I’m at that point.
@Bae: You “not inviting me” doesn’t mean that I wont come or already be there, so keep that in mind.
People get married because they think they’re in love or they’re getting older or for financial benefit
What exactly are you trying to say here? That true love, and the desire to want to have the closest bond that you can with a person who’s bloodline isn’t connected to yours doesn’t exist anymore?
I agree with your point about the selfishness, but it shouldn’t start at marriage it should start and the grass roots, the bf/gf relationship. If you can’t learn to put your lover first then you’ll have a damn near impossible time of putting your spouse first.
Agreed on the issue of commitment and loving someone not because of what they are (tall, six pack, nice skin, bionic eye sight, etc) but who they are (sensitive, caring, compassionate, outgoing, etc). A bit pessimistic about my people aren’t we?
September 30th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
@La Chica: Completely agree with you. People should not be able to go get married without some type of official “pre-qualification” or something first. That is a big part of the reason why the divorce rate is so high, people don’t know what the hell they are doing and are getting married “just because”. Or because they think that they really know that person when in all actuality they don’t until that ring slides on……then you see that person for who they really are.
October 1st, 2008 at 8:40 pm
I don’t think that there’s a certain “pre-qualification” a person should meet before diving into that deep ocean of marital bliss.
To me, a house, a car, and money aren’t things that qualifies a person to get married. Those are superficial things that can easily be eroded as time goes on … and it’s usually those things that erode a marriage.
I agree on the laid out “marriage is” statements but also there’s some other things that’s missing. First is TRUST, if a relationship doesn’t have this trait it IS bound to fail. Second is HONESTY, and what I mean by that is that you should be able to look at your significant other in the eyes and MEAN what you say not just say it to avoid confrontation or so you can move on. Third … LOVE, without it, everything is pointless.
People should marry a person because they KNOW it’s right, NOT because they feel it’s right.
October 1st, 2008 at 8:43 pm
And .. until you can commit yourself to one person … and I mean ONE person, not because of lust but because they spark that something good inside you, you’re not ready for any relationship.
October 2nd, 2008 at 10:09 am
@Buddha: Commitment. Trust. Honesty. Love…..
All of those things that you mentioned IMO are pre qualifications. Society says that if you are relatively economically stable, have a desire to join together in a special kind of social and legal arrangement that serves several purposes primarily formed to produce children (although that doesn’t hold true really anymore) then you should be married. In that lies the problem.
With out trust what do you have? Nothing….there will be no foundation on which to build a LOVING, and COMMITTED relationship. Honesty goes hand and hand with trust, because the measurement of honesty is your trust in that person. If i share with you a tidbit of personal information about me that I don’t want the rest of the world outside of…or say the +cru knowing, i’m doing that on the evaluation of your honesty and i’m extending trust and confiding in you (all).
Nowdays the back bone of most marriages to couples are mutual emotional and/or physical attraction that is satisfying enough to both that they decide to contract a lifelong relationship. Although this [b]Contract[/b] part seems to have gotten lost along the way somehow. Marriage should be a partnership built on the principles that we have/are discussing. Those “pre qualifications” I believed you mentioned coupled with the short list i made. Too often these aren’t the focus, or don’t exist on a fundamental level……again this is a big part of the reason why the divorce rate is so high.
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:57 pm
First of all, I will hire off-duty police officers to keep you away from my wedding.
To answer your question - yes there are people that get married for the right reasons. I just believe those people are few and far between. I think people have watched too many fairy tales and happily-ever-after movies. When real-life turns out to be…real, people can’t handle it. Then they get divorced.
Unfortunately in 2008 mutual trust, honesty and loyalty seem to be in short supply. That’s a problem and will kill a relationship rather quickly. I’m including the perception of those as well. Perception is just as bad as the reality sometimes.
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:10 pm
agrees, but with this it can not be helped, it is in their blood
November 6th, 2008 at 1:54 am
Well done! Unlike the author of the topic